The Buffy: The Vampire Slayer: New Sunnydale failed reboot pilot script leaked online, and it’s even funnier than we thought it could be. Over the weekend, Sarah Michelle Gellar announced that Hulu had killed the series, and she apologized to Buffy fans, but it’s much better for fans of the original show that this never got made.
We’ve read through the script, and here are the 7 cringiest lines in the pilot. You can also take a look at the full script for yourself here.
1. “You’re weaponizing my feminism against me.” Within the first three pages, the boyfriend tries to be supportive and gets accused of weaponizing feminism. The writers think they’re being self-aware and clever. They are not. It reads like a feminist studies professor’s idea of what young couples sound like.
2. The “agency” boyfriend, Chris, literally says, “I didn’t want to take away your agency, babe. You hate it when I dim your light.” No human male has ever said this to another human being. This is a Twitter bio made flesh.
3. Hugo’s mansplaining apology — twice. After Nova correctly calls Hugo out for performing masculinity for his friends, he says, “Thank you for educating me.” Then later, when he accidentally victim-blames her for walking alone at night, he says it again: “Thank you for educating me. Again.” The writers are so pleased with this bit they do it twice. The character exists primarily to be corrected and grateful about it.
4. “Welcome to being a girl. It’s a lot.” Nova delivers this line like she’s accepting a Nobel Prize in Gender Studies. It’s the writers’ thesis statement dressed up as teenage dialogue.
5. Larkin: Professional Social Justice Cutter Larkin skips class to protest “sacred Indigenous land” — except the actual Native American character, Charles, shows up specifically to tell her her translation is wrong and she’s romanticizing his grandmother’s heritage. Larkin’s response: “I’d never ‘well, actually’ your heritage, but that doesn’t sound right to me?” She literally “well, actually”s him while denying she’s “well, actually”-ing him. Charles walks away. The writers think this makes Larkin endearingly passionate. It makes her insufferable.
6. “It’s giving patriarchy.” When Hugo mentions that a Slayer traditionally has a Watcher (a handler/mentor), Larkin’s response is: “Ew. It’s giving patriarchy.” The Watcher system from the original show — which was critiqued in the original show with genuine dramatic weight — gets dismissed in two words of Gen Z slang. Sunnydale, we have a writing problem.
7. The Vampire Mr. Burke monologue that accidentally writes the show’s review Newly vamped Mr. Burke goes full villain speech on Larkin: “Hold hands and stop racism? What if every little voice was valid and heard and oh my god all you’re doing is making everyone feel like shit... Being ‘woke’ is exhausting.” The writers intend this as the demon talking, revealing corruption. Instead it reads like the script briefly achieving self-awareness before losing it again. Mr. Burke is supposed to be the monster. He’s the most relatable character in the pilot.
This would have been a total disaster and it’s no wonder that Hulu canceled it. Maybe Firefly will be next?
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The only Slayer that matters to me is South Of Heaven singing about the Angel Of Death.
Thank God, one IP I like is safe from being defaced. For now.